Why Can’t I Settle? Am I Just Too Picky?
Have you ever been told you’re too picky in relationships, but you can’t shake the feeling that you’re just waiting for the right connection?
When I was single—and honestly, over it—I found myself in this loop of frustration, wondering, "Why can't I just settle? Am I too picky?" It felt like I was the only one not willing to just settle already. That recommendation came flying in from every direction. Friends loved to remind me that maybe I was being too picky and needed to just pick someone already if I didn’t want to end up alone. I was annoyed, not just with them, but with myself for having what felt like sky-high standards. When I heard the word “settle,” I thought of the important stuff—how I felt about my partner, how they felt about me. I thought about settling in terms of the quality of love, and that wasn’t something I was willing to do, no matter how lonely I got (and no matter how much I wish I could). If you're out there waiting for that deep connection, that "falling head over heels" feeling, you’ve probably heard the same thing. Maybe you're wondering why everyone else seems to be able to settle, and you're stuck in the "not yet" phase. You might even be toying with the idea of settling yourself, trying to figure out if it’s a reasonable choice.
You Might Be Too Picky
While being too picky can sometimes limit your options, it's just as important to recognize the things that truly matter when you're choosing a partner.
Physical Qualities
If you’ve got a checklist of physical traits a partner has to have to grab your attention, that might be holding you back. It’s totally fair to want to be attracted to your partner, but when you start setting specific requirements—like needing someone over 6 feet tall, with a full head of brown hair, or a certain muscle tone—you might be limiting yourself. Sure, there could be a great guy out there who checks all those boxes, but what if there’s someone even better who’s 5’10, with a different hairstyle, and maybe doesn’t have the most chiseled physique? It’s not about lowering your standards, but about being open to flexibility. You might find yourself attracted to someone a few inches shorter if they’ve got the personality that really clicks.
Expecting Perfection
If you’re expecting your partner to be flawless, you’re likely being too picky. This might stem from an avoidant attachment style or past hurt that’s made you want to protect yourself, but aiming for perfection only leaves you isolated. Nobody’s perfect. We all have our quirks, make mistakes, and sometimes fumble through life. What matters is recognizing which imperfections are really a big deal. Does he occasionally chew with his mouth open? That’s something you might be able to overlook or bring up down the road if he’s a great person. But if he’s yelling at little old ladies on the street, that’s a bigger red flag. Pay attention to how these imperfections impact his overall personality and decide if it’s something worth compromising on—or something you can’t live with.
Financial Situation
It’s totally understandable to want a partner who’s financially stable, and there’s no shame in that. But if you’re turning down kind, supportive, emotionally available partners in hopes of landing someone with a seven figure salary, you might be setting yourself up for loneliness. Take a moment to think about your lifestyle, what truly matters to you, and your values. If finding love is more important than finding wealth, it might be time to open up to dating someone who’s successful in ways that matter—emotionally available, caring, and driven—but maybe doesn’t have the bulging bank account you were initially hoping for.
Waiting for Them to Come to You
If you’re just standing around waiting for someone to come to you, you might not be too picky, but you’re definitely limiting your chances of finding a partner. If you want to meet someone, think about your own interests and hobbies, and start spending time engaging with others who share them. By putting yourself in spaces where people you’re interested in might be, you’ll naturally expand your dating pool and increase your chances of making a connection.
You Are Never Too Picky
While focusing too much on external qualities can limit your chances of meeting a truly great, kind partner, there are other ways we sometimes end up settling that actually get in the way of finding someone worth being with. It’s important to recognize when you’re compromising on things that truly matter, and how that might be holding you back from the kind of connection you’re really looking for.
Respect
Respect is the foundation of any relationship—it fosters empathy, trust, understanding, and healthy communication. A partner who respects you will lift you up when you're in need of support or feeling anxious. Someone who doesn’t show respect is more likely to criticize or make you feel less-than. Over time, a lack of respect can chip away at your self-esteem and confidence, causing you to respect yourself less and show up in ways that don’t feel authentic or comfortable.
Shared Values and Beliefs
You don’t need to have the exact same values and beliefs as your partner to have a fulfilling relationship, but it’s important to find common ground. Shared values create compatibility, which contributes to greater relationship satisfaction. Having aligned values fosters mutual understanding and helps reduce conflict. For example, if you’re firmly pro-choice and your partner is strongly pro-life, that difference could not only create conflict but spill over into other areas of your life, like religion or family values. This kind of disconnect can leave you feeling uncertain about yourself and your own beliefs.
Fun
Prioritizing fun and playfulness can make a big difference in a relationship. One of the best perks of being in a relationship is the best friend you get to build along the way. Shared interests keep things exciting and help you go beyond being just romantic partners—you become true friends. When you can enjoy life together, dive into hobbies, share a laugh, and play around, it keeps the spark alive and makes everything feel a little more fun and carefree!
Learn to Love Yourself So Settling Doesn’t Feel Worth It
Settling might seem tempting, especially after feeling alone for what feels like forever. Maybe you’ve been holding out for the perfect match—like that guy who meets your 6' height minimum—but the tall guys you've been seeing just haven't shown you the respect you deserve. If you’re finding it tough to settle on physical qualities, maybe it’s time to ask yourself: Are you settling with yourself?
What I mean is, do you respect yourself? Do you know what truly brings you joy? Are you clear on your values? Taking the time to know and love yourself (check out my blog on how to love yourself) can help you focus on what really matters in a partner—not just the surface-level stuff. It’ll make those inner qualities, like kindness and empathy, stand out when you’re no longer distracted by what others think or by the pretty packaging.
If you keep attracting partners who just don't feel like long-term material, it could be because you’re chasing qualities that don’t align with your true needs—a “bad boy” persona or a risk-taker—while overlooking the qualities that actually matter to you, like nurturing and emotional intelligence. Get clear on what you truly want in a relationship, get comfortable with who you are, and release the fear of being alone. That’s when you’ll know how to settle the right way—and stay strong enough to avoid settling for the wrong reasons.
If you’re in Colorado and want to explore how to shift your mindset to find a partner that you can truly connect with, I’d love to help. Reach out for a free consultation to explore what’s getting in your way.