Butterflies, Not Breakdown: How to Stay Relaxed When You’re Nervous on a Date
Dating is awkward. You’re sitting across from someone you barely know, trying to present your very best self while an inner voice is screaming that you definitely just said something weird.
When I was dating, I used to get so nervous before a date that I’d sometimes take a shot to calm my nerves. Spoiler: it never worked. I vividly remember sitting at a quiet bar one evening, struggling to hear what my date was saying because my inner monologue was LOUDLY wondering if my stomach was about to gurgle.
If your heart starts racing the second you're waiting to see your date, or your palms get sweaty at the idea of holding hands, or your brain just fully forgets how to form a sentence when your mouth opens—you are not alone. You’re not broken. You’re not destined to die alone. You’re just a human with a nervous system that’s flagging this whole "intimate interaction with a stranger" thing as mildly terrifying.
Those Nerves are Normal
Before we even get into the science of it, let’s just name that it is completely normal to feel nervous on a date. Dating is vulnerable. You’re putting yourself out there, trying to connect with someone new, and that can stir up a lot.
Maybe you’ve had a few awkward or painful date experiences you’re hoping not to repeat. Maybe you overthink, compare yourself to others, or carry a fear of rejection. You might feel insecure—about how you look, what you say, whether you’re “enough.” All of this can fuel that lovely inner monologue that insists you’re not worth this person’s time.
On top of all that, there’s anxiety itself—those worries and what-ifs that tag along uninvited.
Let’s talk about what’s actually happening in your body during all of this. Your nervous system is your body’s communication network. When you’re feeling anxious, your sympathetic nervous system kicks in. That’s the network of nerves responsible for your fight-or-flight response—your body’s “we’re-in-danger!” alarm system.
When this system gets triggered, your body starts preparing for action: your heart races, your breathing gets fast and shallow, and cortisol and adrenaline get dumped into your system. All of this is great if you’re running from a bear. Less great when you’re just trying to sip a cocktail across from someone cute.
The good news? There are ways to remind your body that you’re not in physical danger—you’re just on a date.
Before the Date
Planning and preparing for the date give you your first opportunities to dial down the anxiety. Try choosing a familiar, comfortable place for the date. Maybe it’s that cozy brewery you always go to with friends—the one that reminds you even the weirdest nights become funny stories later. Or maybe it’s a favorite restaurant where you already know the menu and won’t spend 15 minutes panic-scanning entrees you can’t pronounce.
If sitting across from someone and making direct eye contact feels like an interview, consider an active date. Go for a walk, play some tennis, hit up a mini golf course—whatever gets your body moving and gives your brain something else to focus on besides “What do I do with my hands?”
Next up: clothing. Wear clothes that make you feel like you. you feel comfortable and confident in. This is not the time for the outfit that’s so tight you can’t breathe or that shirt that itches in weird places. Your goal is to not spend the whole date adjusting your waistband or wondering if your deodorant is holding up. Choose something you feel confident and comfortable in so you aren’t thinking about it all night.
And if you’re anxiety is feeling unbearable, create a little pre-date confidence building ritual before your date. Give yourself a pep talk while you’re getting ready, dance around to your favorite pump up music, or text your friend who builds you up. Set the tone before you even walk out the door.
Nervous…or Excited?
Your body can’t tell the difference between being nervous and being excited, isn’t that wild? Both come with the same physical signs—racing heart, butterflies, fidgety hands. The real difference is all in your mindset.
So next time you’re sitting there thinking, “I’m so nervous,” try flipping the script: “I’m excited to meet someone new!” That little shift in self-talk can do wonders for how you show up and how you feel. Your brain is surprisingly trainable—it tends to believe what you keep telling it.
Grounding Techniques
If your nerves are still getting the best of you, try these discrete grounding techniques to gently bring yourself back to the present – before or even during the date. No one will even notice!
5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique
This one uses all the senses to help pull you out of your spiraling thoughts.
Notice 5 things you can see
4 things you can feel
3 things you can hear
2 things that you can smell
1 thing that you can touch
It sounds simple but it’s incredibly helpful for calming your brain.
Breathe
Focus on your breath. Feel your stomach rise as you inhale deeply and exhale in a slow, controlled way. Try this rhythm: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Your fight-or-flight system has you breathing on fast-forward—this helps bring it back down to a relaxed state. Even just three or four good, intentional breaths can start to soothe your body.
Feet on the Floor
This one’s super subtle and great for mid-date jitters. Feel your feet pressed into the ground. Notice your toes in your shoes. Wiggle them. Push them down gently. It's a tiny reminder that you’re grounded, present, and okay.
More Tools for Calming Those Date Nerves
Take a Break
If your brain is screaming at you or your digestive tract is threatening to spill your last drink, it’s okay and totally normal to step away for a moment. Head to the restroom and give yourself a mini reset. Try a grounding technique, splash some cold water on your face or insides of your wrists, or just take a few breaths. Text a friend if that helps. Sometimes a quick “this is weird but I’m okay” text can be grounding in itself.
Shift Your Thinking
Chances are, you’re judging yourself way harder than your date ever would. You might not even notice their awkward moments because you're so tuned in to your own. So if you fumble your words or drop a rogue piece of sushi in your lap, try to respond with self-compassion. You’re human. And we’ve all those cringey, “get me out of here” moments. Besides, that kind of stuff makes for the best stories later.
Say It Out Loud
If your nerves are getting in the way of focusing on what your date is saying or your ability to have fun (the reason you’re there, after all) try naming it! “I’m a little nervous right now” is a completely relatable sentiment and might take the pressure down for both of you.
You Aren’t Alone!
Everyone gets nervous. Some people show it more than others, and different situations set off different alarms, but nervousness is universally human. You are not broken or bad at dating. You’re not too much, or not enough—you’re just someone who cares. And caring is brave.
So take a breath. Remind yourself: you’ve got this. Nervousness just means you’re doing something meaningful, something that matters. That’s a good sign.
If anxiety leading up to or on dates is getting the way of you feeling like yourself and being able to connect with a potential partner, I can help you work through that anxiety and enjoy the dating process. Reach out for a free consultation.