Is My Relationship Toxic? How to Tell the Difference Between a Healthy and Unhealthy Relationship
If you’re questioning whether your relationship is toxic, chances are you’re feeling anxiety and stress. Every relationship has its challenges, and conflict doesn’t automatically indicate an unhealthy or toxic relationship. A toxic relationship, however, consistently makes you feel worse about yourself and your life. It can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and even fear. In these relationships, individuals tend to bring out the worst in one another, and instead of supporting each other, they cause harm.
You might be wondering if your relationship is healthy or toxic because you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. Maybe you haven’t had strong role models in that field, or had positive experiences of your own to gauge what a healthy relationship can feel like. Maybe things have changed suddenly in your relationship and you fear it’s forever or you won’t be able to get it back.
Signs Your Relationship is Healthy
First, let’s focus on the positives. While all relationships experience ups and downs, it’s natural to question things when you feel uncertain. Here are some signs of a healthy relationship:
Respect: Mutual respect is foundational to a healthy relationship. It ensures effective communication, safety, comfort, and the knowledge that you are valued. Respect makes it easier to navigate conflict and offer forgiveness.
Honesty and Trust: Both are crucial for a healthy relationship, as they foster authenticity and open communication.
Affection: Affection is essential in romantic relationships. Feeling loved and being able to express that love both physically and emotionally helps you grow closer and keeps the connection strong.
Boundaries: Healthy relationships require clear boundaries. They help us assert our needs, ensuring we don’t feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of.
Signs Your Relationship is Unhealthy
Now, let’s look at some signs that may indicate your relationship might be unhealthy:
Abuse: Any form of abuse, whether physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal (such as yelling, mocking, or giving the silent treatment), is a clear indicator of an unhealthy relationship. If you’re experiencing abuse, seek help immediately. You deserve to feel safe and respected.
Criticism: Support and uplift one another in a healthy relationship. While everyone has flaws, there’s a difference between offering constructive feedback and belittling or criticizing your partner.
Control: If your partner tries to control your actions, interactions with others, or choices, this is unhealthy behavior. Even if you recognize that this control stems from jealousy or insecurity, it’s important to recognize it and address it. Relationships should be based on mutual understanding, not domination.
Confusion: If you often feel confused about your relationship—uncertain about where you stand, whether your partner truly cares, or if you’re exclusive—that’s a red flag. Some confusion is normal in any relationship, but constant uncertainty can signal deeper issues.
Cheating and Lying: Dishonesty, whether through cheating or lying, is detrimental to any relationship. There are many reasons someone might, and it has more to do with them as an individual than it does with you as the partner. Though there may be underlying reasons for these behaviors, they point to significant issues in the relationship.
Are You the Toxic One?
This can be a hard question to ask yourself. You might be reading through these bullet points and thinking, I yell sometimes, or I feel jealous and try to control my partner from going out with their friends without me. If you’re wondering whether you might be contributing to toxic patterns in the relationship, it’s essential to approach this with self-compassion as you reflect on your actions.
Manipulation: Manipulating situations to get your way—whether by lying, invading privacy, or saying what you know your partner wants to hear to control their actions—can undermine a healthy relationship. Instead of trying to control a situation, work on clearly expressing your needs.
Lack of Empathy: If you find yourself too focused on meeting your own needs without considering your partner’s feelings or needs, it might indicate an unhealthy dynamic. It’s important to nurture empathy, and if you’re struggling with this, it may be helpful to take time for self-reflection and growth before fully engaging with your partner.
Note: Is your partner telling you that you’re too needy or emotional? Remember, everyone has needs and emotions. Expressing your feelings and desires is healthy, and it’s a sign of trust, not toxicity. While emotional regulation strategies can be helpful, having emotions or needs does not make you the "toxic" one.
How to Fix a Toxic Relationship
A truly toxic relationship can harm both individuals, often to the point where ending it is the healthiest option. However, if you notice unhealthy patterns, it’s possible to work through them before things get irreparable.
You’re the Toxic One
If you recognize unhealthy patterns within yourself, seeking therapy is an excellent first step. Therapy can help you identify and address behaviors and emotional patterns that are damaging to your relationship. Reflect on your feelings and where they might stem from—past relationships, childhood experiences, or unresolved issues. Self-awareness is the key to making lasting change.
They’re the Toxic One
If your partner exhibits unhealthy behaviors, it’s important to set clear and assertive boundaries. Communicate openly about your needs and ensure that your boundaries are respected. Counseling can also be a helpful tool in processing relationship dynamics and determining next steps. If your boundaries are consistently crossed despite clear communication, you may need to consider whether the relationship can be salvaged. It’s okay to grieve and feel uncertain about this decision.
No matter what you’re experiencing, remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel supported, respected, and happy.
If you are in Colorado and want to dive deeper into healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns, reach out for a free consultation.