How to love yourself before loving someone else
You’ve probably heard it a million times: you need to love yourself before someone else can truly love you. You’ve decided it’s time to finally focus on this. Instead of searching for someone to love, you're choosing to work on loving yourself first.
What Does Self-Love Mean?
Don’t worry – you don’t have to wait for some magical moment where you suddenly feel joy just thinking about yourself. You won’t become a narcissist by practicing self-love, nor will you spend all day gazing at yourself in the mirror or writing love notes to your reflection. Loving yourself means appreciating and accepting who you are, flaws and all. It’s about focusing on your physical, emotional, and mental well-being.
Self-Love: The Foundation for Healthy Relationships
Loving yourself is essential for any loving, accepting relationship. If you can't accept and appreciate yourself as you are, it’s hard to believe that anyone else can. A lack of self-love fuels self-doubt, erodes confidence, and heightens anxiety within a relationship. When you're not comfortable in your own skin, it becomes nearly impossible to show your true self. If you're not authentic, it’s hard to feel fully seen or valued by your partner, no matter how much they might love you. And the more you second-guess yourself, the harder it becomes to appreciate or love someone else for who they are.
Emotional Availability
Loving yourself helps you take care of your emotions, making you more emotionally available to others. When you take the time to explore, understand, and process your emotions, you’ll find yourself being more patient and compassionate when someone else is going through a tough time. For instance, if a stressful day leaves you feeling withdrawn on a Friday night, you'll be more understanding when your partner comes home in a similar mood. The more familiar you are with your own emotions, the more competent and comfortable you’ll feel navigating your partner’s feelings.
Boundaries
Self-love also gives you the strength to set healthy boundaries. When you respect yourself, you're able to assertively communicate your needs in a relationship. If you need regular communication in a relationship and your partner hasn’t reached out in a few days, being open about your needs can prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. A partner who respects your needs will appreciate your boundaries, whether it’s texting you to let you know they're thinking of you or keeping you in the loop about weekend plans. Setting boundaries not only helps your partner understand what’s important to you, but it also saves you from investing time in someone who can’t show up for you in the ways that matter to you. If your partner is unable or unwilling to meet your needs, it’s better to know at the start rather than facing it three months down the road, when you’re feeling needy, confused, and unsure of how they feel.
Confidence and Independence
When you love yourself, your confidence grows, it’s an inevitable result of self-acceptance and appreciation. As a confident woman in a relationship, you can be unapologetically you. No more pretending to like fishing because your new boyfriend loves to fish; if you don’t love it, own it! You can still go fishing, but you won't feel so awkward or pressured pretending it’s your favorite hobby. If you love movie marathons and your new partner is out running actual marathons every weekend, you’ll stop judging yourself for indulging in what you love. Loving yourself means maintaining your individuality without losing yourself in someone else’s world or defining yourself by their preferences.
Steps for Building Self-Love
If you’re wondering how to start loving yourself before opening your heart to someone else, here are a few ways to build self-love – whether you’re seeking deeper connection with yourself or hoping to create a healthy, lasting relationship.
Get to Know Yourself
Self-awareness is key to self-love. To accept and take care of yourself, you need to truly understand who you are. What do you like? What do you need in relationships? What do you value, and how do you feel valued by others? The more you understand yourself, the more comfortable you’ll become in your own skin. Journaling or meditation can help you gain this awareness.
Engage in Self-Care
Self-care isn’t just about the fun stuff, like indulgent bubble baths or treating yourself to your favorite dessert (though those things are important, too). It’s also about proactive steps to nurture your physical, mental, and emotional health. It can mean making a doctor’s appointment you’ve been putting off and taking care of your anxiety to get yourself through the door to that appointment. It’s about eating nourishing foods, staying active, and getting enough sleep. It’s journaling, spending time with loved ones, and taking breaks when needed. Sometimes these actions aren’t the most convenient, but they’re crucial for your well-being. Pick one area of self-care that feels tough, and focus on that to start.
Practice Self-Compassion
We tend to be much harder on ourselves than we are on others. Did you forget what you were going to say in a work presentation? “Idiot!” Did you skip your workout? “Lazy!” Now imagine treating a friend this way. It’s unlikely that you would be so harsh. When you’re kind to yourself and understand your own struggles, you can grow from setbacks rather than defining yourself by them. Pay attention to how you speak to yourself and give yourself credit for your efforts, even on tough days. Self-compassion is key to building positive self-love habits.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
It’s easy to get caught in the trap of comparison. You see others’ success but don’t see the failures, hard work, and setbacks that led them there. When you compare yourself to others, you’re often matching their best moments to your self-doubt. Start noticing when you’re comparing yourself and challenge it. With awareness, you can stop the cycle and focus on your own journey instead.
The Journey to Self-Love Never Ends
Self-love isn’t a destination – it’s an ongoing process. There’s no magical “aha” moment when you’ll suddenly know you’ve arrived. Through understanding yourself, caring for yourself, being kind to yourself, and reducing comparisons to others, you’ll begin to love yourself more fully. It’s a journey that involves constant learning, growth, and even setbacks. But loving yourself isn’t about being perfect – it’s about embracing your quirks, learning from mistakes, and growing from the setbacks along the way. When you accept and appreciate yourself, you lay the foundation for deeper, more authentic relationships with others.
If you’re in Colorado and want to focus more on learning to love yourself, reach out for a free consultation!