Why Saying “No” Feels Terrifying. And How to Do It Anyway
As the holiday season approaches, you might be dreading those conversations about where you’re going to spend the holidays. If you have divorced parents, in-laws, or friends you like to see during the holidays, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re going about your day when the ask comes: “Won’t you come spend Thanksgiving at our house? It would mean so much to us. We haven’t seen you in forever, we want you here.”
When someone who matters to you or plays a big role in your life asks you for something you’re capable of giving, even if it doesn’t align with your values or wants, it can leave you rooted to the ground, unsure of how to respond. You want to spend Thanksgiving on your own terms, but how do you say “no” without making your mom feel sad or lonely? The guilt feels overwhelming.
We’ve all experienced that dreaded moment when someone asks us to do something we really don’t want to do, leaving us stuck in the internal battle: say “no” and feel bad, or just go along with it? Those icky feelings of guilt, fear, and anxiety are normal. You’re not alone, and they don’t mean you’re doing something wrong, mean, or selfish by saying no.
More likely, they mean you’re starting to lean out of your people-pleasing tendencies to advocate for your own wants and needs—something that feels unfamiliar at best, and scary at worst.
Why Saying “No” Feels So Scary
There are a few reasons why saying “no” might feel terrifying, especially for women with anxious tendencies or people-pleasing habits. Let’s lay them out, and you can see which ones resonate most. For many of us, it’s a combination of several of these.
Fear of rejection or conflict
If you worry about how someone else will feel or what they’ll think of you if you upset them, it can be hard to honor your own feelings and needs. That fear of rejection can feel so strong that simply stating, “I already have plans for Thanksgiving,” can feel like your mom will never speak to you again. Or worse, that she’ll hate you forever. Even if you logically know it’s not that extreme, it can feel that way in the moment. Conflict can also feel terrifying, even when you know it’s temporary. What if your mom gets upset, yells, or gives you the silent treatment? Doubts creep in about whether you’ll be able to stay calm and hold your boundary. Every time you avoid saying “no”, it can get harder to trust yourself to handle it next time.Anxious attachment patterns
Anxious attachment can make us feel like keeping others happy or seeking their approval is necessary to keep them close. Setting a boundary can feel risky, even if avoiding it leaves you feeling resentful, exhausted, or not enjoying the holiday at all.Internalized beliefs
Many of us were taught to be helpers, caretakers, and people-pleasers. While these are great qualities as a piece of who we are, they can sometimes overshadow our ability to take care of ourselves. Choosing to prioritize your own wants, like spending the holiday in a way that feels right for you, can feel selfish, rude, or mean. Thoughts like, “I should always help” or “I’m bad if I disappoint someone” can quietly take over your actions without you even realizing it.Overthinking consequences
This is where fear of conflict and rejection shows up again in your mind. Overthinking can make your imagination run wild, leading you to believe the worst-case scenario is both likely and inevitable. Maybe you picture your mom weeping on the phone, hanging up, and never speaking to you again. Over time, these imagined outcomes can feel frighteningly real and make saying no feel not worth it, even if what you actually want is to enjoy your holiday on your own terms.
The Cost of Not Saying “No”
With all those reasons to just ignore your boundary and keep others happy, you might wonder, why even bother saying “no”? There are actually some real costs to your mental and emotional healthy by constantly putting your wants on the back-burner in favor of showing up for others. Here are some of them.
Emotional Burnout
Emotional burnout isn’t just feeling tired. It can be physical, mental, and emotional. You might feel overwhelmed, exhausted, cynical, or frustrated constantly. Burnout can make concentrating on everyday tasks hard, reduce your motivation for self-care, and even cause physical symptoms like headaches, digestive issues, or muscle tension.
Resentment
Even though you’re the one bending over backward for others without setting boundaries, resentment often builds. That hot, heavy feeling in your chest can make it harder to enjoy those relationships you’re trying to protect. You may feel like people are taking advantage of you or ignoring your needs, even when your intentions are kind.
Increased stress and anxiety
Without boundaries, stress piles up. Your to-do list grows, your time to relax shrinks, and anxiety increases. For example, skipping your Friends’ Giving to please your mom may leave you overthinking every detail: Will my friends be upset? Did I disappoint them? Will I ever be able to assert my independence?
Impact on relationships
Ironically, avoiding conflict to preserve relationships can actually erode them over time. Resentment, frustration, and anxiety may make spending time with others less appealing, especially when you don’t know how to deal with those feelings. Boundaries actually protect relationships, but when they’re absent, trust and comfort often suffer.
Feeling invisible or not important
When you don’t advocate for your needs, you can start to feel like your wants don’t matter. Over time, you might start to believe that you matter less than other people.
Reframing Saying “No”
With all the costs of not saying “no,” it’s worth it to practice the skill. To reduce the guilt and dread, it helps to reframe what saying no really means.
Saying “no” isn’t selfish. It’s self-care.
Setting boundaries protects your time, energy, and mental health. It allows you to heal from burnout and prevents it from building again.Saying “no” strengthens relationships.
Boundaries create clarity. When you communicate your limits, both you and the other person understand each other’s needs better. Resentment diminishes when you stop expecting others to just know what you need. Often, people aren’t aware they’re asking too much, they need your clarity to respect your space.Keep it simple.
It’s tempting to give long explanations for why you can’t do something. But a concise, polite “I can’t” or “I’m sorry, I can’t make it work” is usually enough. Long explanations can make you doubt yourself and muddy the message, even if your reasons are perfectly valid.
How to Say “No” Without the Guilt Spiral
You’re ready to start working on saying “no” more often. Here’s how to start practicing it in a way that protects your needs without overwhelming guilt.
Pause before responding
Your initial impulse might be to feel uncomfortable and say yes anyway to reduce that discomfort. It’s a lot harder to walk back your yes than it is to say “no” from the beginning. Give yourself a moment. “Let me check my schedule” or “I need to think through it” can give you space to respond intentionally.
Use clear, concise language
Avoid rambling or over-explaining. Simple phrases like “No, I can’t commit to this right now” or “I’m sorry, I can’t make it work” are polite and firm and don’t confuse you or the person you’re talking to.
Offer alternatives only if you genuinely want to
You might feel an urge to offer a few ways you can make it up to the person, some of which might be more time consuming or overwhelming for you than the initial ask. If you genuinely want to offer alternatives, do it! But if you don’t, it’s okay to leave it at the boundary you’ve set.
Practice self-compassion
Acknowledge the anxiety or discomfort with setting a new boundary. But remind yourself that your needs are valid, and it’s okay that you’re uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean you did something wrong, it means you’re pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.
Role-play or rehearse
Rehearsing what you want to say visualizing the conversation can reduce panic when you are going through the actual moment of saying “no.” Avoid imagining the worst-case scenario. Focus on how you want to show up!
Notice and label guilt
Despite all of this, saying “no” is a new experience and might bring up guilt. If you feel guilt, name it. “I feel guilty,” then acknowledge again that your needs are valid and saying no does not make you a bad person.
When Guilt Pops Up After Saying “No”
If guilt does show up after saying “no,” take care of yourself. This is a new experience and a new way of showing up in relationships.
Write down your reasons
Remind yourself why saying “no” more often, and in this specific instance is important to you. All these reasons can go out of your mind when you’re feeling intense discomfort, so take a moment to remember them and write them down.
Breathe and self-soothe
Panic may be bubbling over, and you may feel urgency to take your boundary back. Slow, steady breathing will help slow your nervous system and send messages to your brain and body that you are safe. Ground yourself or use comforting self-soothing techniques to remind your body and brain that you are safe.
Reinforce the benefits
Remind yourself that setting boundaries is a sign of confidence and helps foster healthy relationship dynamics. Your needs matter, and asserting them allows you to feel more comfortable and authentic in your relationships.
Saying “no” can feel scary, uncomfortable, and even guilt-inducing, but it’s an important part of protecting your mental health and honoring your needs. Every time you practice setting boundaries, you strengthen your confidence and teach yourself that your wants and feelings matter.
Start small: try saying “no” once this week, whether it’s to a holiday invitation, a favor, or something else that doesn’t feel right for you. Notice how it feels and be gentle with yourself as you practice this new skill. Over time, saying no will feel less terrifying and more like a natural, healthy way to care for yourself and your relationships.
If you’re feeling spread thin, resentful in your relationships, or like you’re having difficulty setting boundaries and saying “no,” reach out for a free consultation. We can talk about your unique experiences and how I can help you feel more confident in your relationships and within yourself.